Amongst all the things that really scare me.. is the knowledge that I might amount to nothing. It is the fact that mediocrity is all that I might amount to. What if I am unable to change all this so called potential energy to nothing else but the "oh so mediocre" tag of a good wife, a good daughter, a good sister and good mother. That is all that social norms and mores direct me towards. A professed misanthrope.. I am lost. I have an education.. one that is fiscally sound.  I do not have much else going for me. Rather mediocre in appearance and talent, rather mediocre and "also ran" in ambitions, I do not have much else going for me. The fear of isolating my family and leaving them in need for material possessions leaves me helpless. Life leaves me craving and wondering about the ultimate truth. I do not have many that I identify with. I do not care for too many social connections. I am left but hollow and wondering. I am left but empty and wandering. Morbid thoughts dominate my very being and the hope that something supernatural wil find me does not escape me often. I do not know if I am agnostic, self obsessed, plebeian in my thoughts or over ambitious. The fact that I am talking about myself certainly appears to be narcissistic. I want so much more.

Should I succumb to what society expects of me or should I accept rejection as a part of my journey and continue in the belief that things will change and become propitious? I hope to God (If there is such a thing..) that time will tell. I feel alone and think that that is the one thing I do not have on my side. My observations tell me about a million better options that I could have resorted to instead of the ennui filled life that I lead. In spite of enjoying solitude, I fear concealment.

Ah! what it is to have the enlightenment that nothing matters and that I am a lone traveler.

Some day may haps.